Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

Moments ago I sat quietly at my desk, enjoying my new copy of The Good, The Bad & The Queen and, well, working, when I was interrupted by an announcement that I had a package. K, nothing unusual. People get packages all the time. As you know, I recently ordered a Law & Order coloring book so naturally, I assumed that's what it would be. It wasn't. As my cohort Noah W. Bailey handed me the rather large package, I examined the label, figured it to be a promotional something, noted it was from Shreveport and got out the scissors.

From inside came a peculiar and sweet aroma. There were pink (pink) styrofoam peanuts. There was a white box with red ribbon and a heart gift tag. There was no actual name on the tag. Inside the white box there lie a press release (which I promptly set aside so as not to ruin the surprise) and dig below the golden tissue paper. First, I find the Chocoholics Chocolate Body Talk "Tattoo" Set, which of course comes with word stencils that can be made to say things such as "Kiss This," "Hot Love Spot," "Start Here" and various other combinations (my personal favorite being "This Good Eat"). Then there're the Chocolate Pen(s) in both strawberry (reported by Miss Jonanna Widner to "smell like Tinkerbell lip gloss and taste like Tinkerbell's ass") and chocolate (in my opinion, waxy, offensive and smelling, conversely, of Count Chocula's ass) flavors. Hmmm. I suppose those are for things the stencils can't cover. [At this point, my inner monologue just keeps repeating: Shreveport? Shreveport? White Russians, casinos and kink? I work a block from Cedar Springs and this is arriving from Shreveport?!] Then I find the Lovin' Touch "sensually flavored massage oil" from the Girl's Night Out Private Collection. Frankly, I don't want to know how something is sensually flavored or what "sensual" tastes like. A closer look reveals the flavor to actually be Candy Kiss Chocolate (Noah attests it tastes of chocolate, "and a little nutty"). A-ha. [WTF? Shreveport?]

To the press release. Turns out, this stuff is from Girl's Night Out, a romantic novelty company (that also offers what they refer to as "the latest in bedroom "O"fferings"). It's founded by women, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff. Then I think...wait a sec. They're tapping into a concept that's been popular long before people started shopping for Valentine's Day 2007. Long before Burleson folk were getting arrested for hosting sex toy parties. Long before we attended a Passion Party (the Las Vegas to GNO's Shreveport. Funny, since PP is based out of LV.) once at some fellow staffers' house after being intrigued by the Burleson story...but whatever, it's not like I bought anything. Seriously. Promise. But then it occurs to me. Of course it's coming from Shreveport. If healthy, sexually adventurous peeps in Texas were getting thrown in the pokey for selling personal "pokers," why not ship 'em in direct to the customer from Louisiana? Or Nevada? Casinos have long been excellent distractions for myriad other sins. Oh, well. Whatever. I better get back to these stencils...I mean edits. (If you host a Girl's Night Out or a Passion Party, call me.)